A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf
together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, then the man
holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind
legs. The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, That dog is really
talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?" "Somersaults," says the man.
"Somersaults?!" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many does he do?"
"Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass."
One day, this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. And as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibility of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man!", "Is that ever good!" She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" Trembling, he replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!" Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively, and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh my God!" "Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF ! But Aren't. 10. Nuts . . . my shaft is bent. 9. After 18 holes I can barely walk. 8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker. 7. Look at the size of his putter. 6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more. 5. Mind if I join your threesome? 4. Stand with your back turned and drop it. 3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip. 2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired. And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't: 1. Hold up . . . I need to wash my balls first.
This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he
used
the "F-word" over the weekend. The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail
Mary’s and try to watch your language. The man replies that he would like to
confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.
Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church. The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore.
On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't.
When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear
shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed
my ball and scurried up a tree." The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in it's sharp
talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?" The man replied,
"No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball
and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!!!"
GOLF LAWS:
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does
not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the
course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst
round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell bout the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the
lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking
a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly
chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter
the hole, the greater is its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group.
Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional
wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent-or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of
bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break"
can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you'd most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it
really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
LAW 21: There are about 100 things than can happen when you hit a golf ball, only one of them is good. LAW 22: Trees are 90% air, but you have only a 10% chance of getting through one.
Do you know who the worst foursome in front of you on the golf course would be? It would be Monica Lewinsky, O. J. Simpson, Ted Kennedy an Bill Clinton. I bet you are wondering why? Well Monica is a hooker, O. J. is a slicer, Ted can't drive across water and Bill doesn't know which hole to play.
A Texas billionaire had fallen ill. Doctors consulted did not seem to understand what
ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could
have whatever he desired.
A country doctor was finally able to cure him and as the doctor was leaving after a
week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it and if it is
humanly possible I'll get it for you."
"Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf
clubs that would be fine." With that the doctor left.
The doctor didn't hear from the Texan billionaire for some months. Then one day
he got a phone call from the billionaire. "Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone
back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so
long is that two of them didn't have swimming pools and I didn't think they were
good enough for ya. So I had pools installed and they're all ready for you now!"
Did you hear about the redneck golfer who walked into a bank out of town to cash a check and was asked to provide a thumbprint as a form of identification. The redneck golfer had never seen such a thing and questioned the teller. She explained to him that this was the latest form of technology and that in the not to distant future the bank would even be requiring retinal scans. The indignant golfer hurriedly took back his check and promptly informed the teller that it would be a cold day in hell before he would have to drop his pants just to cash a check.
1. It's easier
to score in Golf.
The most exquisitely satisfying act in the world of golf is that of throwing a club. The full backswing, the delayed wrist action, the flowing follow through, followed by that unique whirring sound, reminiscent only of a flock of passing starlings, is without parallel in sport. Henry Longhurst
A Texas golfer walks into a pub at an Irish Golf course and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.
I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of
Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's
offer. One golfer even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same golfer who left shows
up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all
back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin',
where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irish golfer replies,
"Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
Subject: lessons
A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are
hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when finally
the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it,
hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically:
"I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help'"
One of the men immediately replies: "You should have been taking golf lessons instead."
Secrets & Lies One day a man comes home from work and he decides to tell his wife that he has been having an affair with his secretary. When he walks in the door he finds his wife in the living room. "Um, honey, I got something to tell you." "Hold on," the wife says, "I've got something to tell you first." "What is it?", asks the husband. "Well", the wife begins, "before we knew each other, I . . . uh . . . had a sex change." "What are you saying"? "Simply put," the wife says, "I used to be a man." "My god, "the husband replies, "and you've been hitting from the ladies tees this whole time!"
Mother Nature
A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the
right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of Buttercups.
She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second
shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out Of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman
appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says,
"I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups.
From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter
you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then
disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband
"Hey, where's your ball?" Her husband replies, "It's over here in the pussy willows.
"The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"
Tom was a man who knew all there was to know about golf. He knew all the courses, the champions, their scores, as well as the prize money the professionals had won for the past fifty years or more. He had read every book ever published on the game and knew all there was to know about technique, but, strange to say, he had never played a game. Having listened to him hold forth for so long his friends finally ganged up on him and insisted that he play a game. It was arranged for the following weekend. Tom set out with borrowed clubs and faced the eighteen holes of his home course. Five hours later he returned with a score of 53 which included four eagles, nine birdies and a hole in one. Never had anyone seen such a fine performance from a beginner. However while the celebrations were going on in the clubhouse, Tom announced that he would never play again. "What!" cried his distraught mates? "What!" echoed the equally distraught pro? "But you could win all sorts of prizes for the club. You know everything there is to know about the game." "Not everything," Tom replied. "The books didn't tell me I'd have to walk.
THE REAL RULES OF GOLF
1.
If you really want
to get better at golf, go back and
A couple was marking their 50th anniversary and after a few pre-dinner drinks and a couple of celebratory glasses of wine, the man says to his wife, "Jane, we've had a great life together, with blessings and contentment. But there's something I've always wondered about. Would you tell me the truth? Have you ever been unfaithful to me? She hesitated a moment before I heard her say, "Yes, Sidney, three times." Looking a bit shocked, he then asked, "Three times? How could that happen?" Jane lowered her voice, and said "Well, do you remember that right after we were married we were so broke that the bank was about to foreclose on our little house?" Sidney nodded and admitted that those were really difficult times. "And remember when I went to see the banker one night and the next day the bank extended our loan?" Jane asked. By the look on her husband's face she knew this was tough to hear, but he nodded and said quietly, "Things were bad then, I remember, so I guess I can forgive you”. He hesitated before asking, "When was the second time?" She bit her lower lip before saying, "Do you remember years later when you nearly died of a heart problem and because our insurance wasn't very good, we couldn't afford an operation?" Sidney acknowledged that he did remember. Jane went on to add, "Then you also recall that after I went to see the doctor he performed the operation at no cost?" Shocked, he understood that she did what she did for love of him, and he forgave her. "So what was the third time?" Jane lowered her head and said, "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 37 more votes?"
An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?" The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways." The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a golfer." The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old." The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?" The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married." The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?" The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?" |